There’s a lot of advice out there about “speaking your truth” and “being your authentic self.”
While it’s well-intentioned, it often misses the mark.
What does that even mean? I mean, do I have an “untrue” self?
Am I speaking from an “unauthentic” place and not realizing it?
While well-intentioned, this advice for many doesn’t help people actually embody their authentic self.
After all, if it was that easy, why wouldn’t everyone do it?
And how did this even become a problem?
From the time we are born, we are flooded with images of superheroes, conquerors, dragon riders, monster slayers, and victors (to put a distinctly masculine spin on it).
TV shows like “Survivor” – Outwit, Outlast – and 1000s more celebrate the sole victor (while creating many more “losers).
But more personally, many of us were told we are “too sensitive,” “too loud,” “too emotional,” or “too <insert your experience>.”
We are shamed into being smaller just to fit the norms.
These are complex issues for sure.
So I like to approach complex issues simply: What do you know that is actually true about you?
It begins by connecting to what I call a foundational truth.
Something undeniable. Irrevokable. Non-negotiable.
We all have a notion of “who we should be” in the world, and that idea may not be well aligned with what is true for you.
Think of it like a 40-story building.
If the foundation isn’t set right, you can’t just “fix it” on the 20th floor.
If you continue to build stories on top of that, they aren’t right.
They are maladapted to adjust for a foundational issue.
That’s what happens to us
We get some notion like “you can’t be so sensitive” and adjust how we show up to match that idea.
And then decades later, our relationships don’t fit—or our life feels disconnected.
You don’t want to stop growing, but you can’t keep growing either.
That’s a nexus where people either have breakdowns or insights.
Either way, it leads to the same result (although one is a lot less painful than the other). You have to go back and religne with the foundation.
This foundation is your authentic self, your essential nature.
But the problem is, after so long, people don’t know how to find out what that is.
Often, you might look inside, trying to understand this, but then the “snow globe effect” prevents you from quickly seeing what you wish to see.
Our lives are so complicated, our nervous systems so over-stimulated by the demands of an overly complex, fast-paced, short-attention-span world, that our inner world is like a shaken snow globe.
When you look inside, all you see is a flurry of chaotic “snow.”
You can’t see the scene. So, you turn away, thinking, “There’s nothing in there.” But the scene is there. You just have to let the snow settle.
So, step one on this path is simple, if not easy:
Slow the F down.
You have to take time to do nothing. To stop all the inputs. (No, you can’t listen to this podcast while you do it). Take a walk without your phone. Or find a lovely, quiet spot then… sit… and… just… be. It helps to breathe regularly and just notice your experience. Let your nervous system calm down long enough for the lay of the land to be revealed.
Only then can you begin to effectively inquire, “What’s it like to be me?”
Not to judge it. Just to become familiar with your own inner map. Once you’re in that calmer place, here is the single most powerful question you can ask:
“Who were you before the world told you who to be?”
Before anyone said, “You can’t do that,” “You ought to do this,” “You’re too much,” or “You’re not enough”?
Think back to who you were as a toddler.
Raw, unfiltered. When you were excited, you were full-bodied excited. When you were unhappy, everyone knew it.
What did you do naturally, easily, without anyone inviting you to do it? What were you excited about before anyone told you what was important?
I know for me, I loved to explore. I’ve always loved to wander, to know what’s over the next hill. My mother told me a story about how I disappeared one day in our small Oklahoma town. The police got involved. The whole town was looking for “little Brett.” They finally found me in a boxcar on a train that was getting ready to pull out. That was me. Loving the world, wanting to explore.
What was true for you?
Have you always loved animals? Have you always loved to draw? Have you always been quiet and loved to read? There is no right or wrong answer. The inquiry itself is the point. This isn’t about evaluation. It’s about naming these qualities so you can know, in your bones, who you authentically are. What is it you liked, naturally—that has always been true for you?
That is a key indicator of an important aspect of your authentic self.
More to come!
Stay present, Brett
PS. If you do this and it connects you to something, let me know! I’d love to hear it.