Hi ,
Last time, we talked about snap judgments and how our brains are wired to make quick assessments for survival. But the most powerful filter that colors our judgment isn’t just ancient survival wiring; it’s our own personal history.
We are constantly seeing the present through the lens of our past, and this happens for the most part without realizing it.
When I was 16, I had a girlfriend I met in theater.
She was vibrant, dramatic, and fun, with striking red hair, blazing blue eyes, and freckles. I’ll call her Mary for this story.
Much later in my life, I met a woman who also had red hair, bright blue eyes, and freckles, with about the same height and build.
Before we talked, of course, in my own thoughts I’m thinking “Wow, she reminds me so much of Mary”.
But here’s the part I only discovered through mindfulness:
I noticed that this went far beyond just being reminded of Mary. My brain really wanted this new person to be Mary.
In our first few moments, I was actively looking for confirmation, rather than wondering what is true.
In that moment of awareness, I realized I was in danger of relating to a memory instead of the real person in front of me.
And, it turns out she wasn’t any of those things.
Why does this happen?
Our minds use an associative shorthand to make sense of the world.
Red cars with a VW logo are Volkswagens.
Stripes on a horse are a zebra.
Golden arches and the smell of fries mean McDonald’s.
In the same way, my brain was offering up “red hair, blue eyes, freckles = Mary”
This is referred to as a “somatic memory” (and isn’t limited to people)
A similar face, voice, or mannerism triggers the feelings and expectations from a past relationship, and suddenly those feelings are projected onto someone new.
If you don’t realize this is happening, you can wind up ascribing unearned trust to someone who reminds us of an old trusted friend, or feel unwarranted distrust of someone who resembles a person who hurt us in the past.
We end up in a conversation with a ghost from our past.
Knowing this is so, what can you do?
The practice here is what Ron Kurtz, founder of the Hakomi Method, called “seeing through.” It’s about seeing through our own projections to the person who is actually there.
The first step is to notice the urge to ascribe characteristics to this person, the ACTIVELY suspend that judgment while you let your senses inform you, and finally to get curious: “Who is this person, really?”
Look, really look. Listen to what is between the words.
To make this bite-sized, I invite you to try an experiment.
When you’re talking with someone, especially if they remind you of someone else, decide to not decide about them for the first few minutes.
Instead of letting your initial assessments be final, just get curious. Your only job is to notice what’s going on in you, and gather information about who this person is, right now.
You might be surprised by who you actually meet.
Stay present, and remember—to see others clearly, we first have to see through ourselves.
– Brett
P.S. Next time, we’ll talk about the stories we tell ourselves when we have incomplete information (like an unanswered text message) and how to keep from living in a manufactured reality of worry.