Hi ,
You’re in the room. You’ve been invited. But inside, you feel more like an uninvited guest.
So you hang back. You don’t invite yourself into conversations. You don’t engage.
This is pretty common for many people, especially in environments where the stakes feel high or the group is unfamiliar.
There’s a tendency to hang back, observe, keep quiet – waiting for the right moment to speak, or for someone else to invite you into the conversation.
There can be the narrative that
“if I don’t speak, I can’t mess up.”
Or:
“If I’m just quiet, I’m not having an impact on the conversation since I’m not saying anything.”
Your silence speaks volumes.
If you don’t engage, people will notice.
– And if you don’t give them an idea of who you are and what you’re about, they will make up their story to explain your non-engagement.
This is what our brains do—they make sense of our experience.
That story might be that you’re aloof, or uninterested.
That you’re insecure, or even judging them.
And that story – true or not – will shape how people interact with you.
I learned this lesson the hard way.
Years ago, I was involved in a number of group dynamics training sessions.
These were deep dives. multi-day, immersive experiences designed to help us develop our interpersonal awareness and enhance group communication.
More importantly, for me it was a deep focus on “how does Brett behave in groups?” And of course, because I’m a geek—what are the hidden mechanics of group dynamics? And wow, that was an amazing process.
In that study I learned that during these weekends, I’d hold back for the first half of the weekend. I was attentive, but not vocal until I felt safer, more comfortable, and had a sense of “the lay of the land.” But by the time I did feel ready to participate, people had already formed opinions about who I was.
And I had given them precious little to go on.
So their impressions of me often weren’t accurate, BUT they were sticky.
It became very difficult to shift how I was perceived after those crucial judgments were in place.
That experience taught me something I now share with my clients—and with you:
If you want to be seen clearly in a group, deal yourself in early.
That doesn’t mean dominating the conversation, being dramatic, or saying something profound.
As I say to some clients: “This week, just get your voice in the room.”
It can be as simple as:
→ “That’s a really good point and helps me understand <something>.”
→ “I like that.”
→ “My team has a similar issue with…”
Just something to signal that you are here, you belong, and you’re in the conversation.
When you speak up, even just a little, you’re doing more than sharing a thought.
You’re saying “I’m in the game.”
And when you don’t, it can sound to others like:
– I’m not sure I belong here.
– You aren’t worthy of my contribution.
– I have nothing valuable to add.
That’s not what you mean (I hope), but again, they don’t know that.
They only know what you show them.
So this is your practice this week:
Deal yourself in.
You’ll find that conversations flow more easily, connections deepen, and you stop fighting the downstream effect of being misunderstood.
Because in that small moment, you’re not just being polite.
You’re making a declaration – I belong here.
Because you do.
Next time: A whisper that changed the way I show up in groups.
Stay present,
Brett
PS
Getting very close to something special coming up about my book The Language of Mindfulness. I’ll be offering a special group event for those who are on the “insiders” list. If you’d like to be notified when that happens, [click here]. You’ll be added to the notification list.