Hi ,
Have you ever been in a situation where someone is intentionally trying to get you to be reactive?
It’s incredibly common.
Someone pushes your buttons—consciously or not – and before you know it, you’re reacting defensively, angrily, or feeling completely off-balance.
That’s the game.
If they can say something mean enough, or angrily enough, they can have power over you.
It’s a pretty bad way to treat people in the world – but it works for some people to get what they want.
So how do you deal with this?
Well, to be honest, it takes some work.
As I often say, “If you want to be mindful under stress, you have to practice when you’re not.”
Meaning, you have to actually practice being present and centered when it’s easy if you want to have that within reach when the moment is intense.
I have many examples of times where I did not manage to do that well.
But this is one where the magic worked.
———————-
I was part of a small men’s group that met regularly. We knew each other pretty well, but after a few sessions, a couple of the members started to call me out because, in their eyes, I wasn’t being “vulnerable enough” or showing them something they wanted to see.
And to be fair, it was true.
I liked these guys, to be sure, but I didn’t feel particularly safe.
And it turned out, for good reason—because what happened next was truly unexpected.
One guy in the group, who had been very vocal about what he perceived as my lack of vulnerability, started getting loud and angry.
I don’t recall his exact words, but as he ramped up his volume, I was practicing centering breaths and staying very grounded in “my seat,” feeling my center and not that bothered by his outburst. It was, after all, his outburst, not mine – and I didn’t feel threatened by him or the need to be defensive.
Seeing that he wasn’t getting a rise out of me, he moved across the room and got literally about five inches from my face and started screaming at me at the top of his lungs. It was loud and intended to provoke me.
This was disturbing, and I could feel my nervous system recoiling and pulling away.
(I was not worried about being assaultied physically in this context in case you’re wondering that)
And to be honest, internally there as sense of importance, “OMG, if I ever needed to stay in the center of my sense of presence and calm, now is the time.”
So there was a kind of clutching to this core, centered space that was not reactive to this outburst directed at me.
But my practice with centering and breathing was sufficient to keep me from being reactive.
I simply let him act out his thing and observed both his actions and my responses.
And after about a minute of this, it became clear he was not going to get rise out of me.
He stopped.
I didn’t say anything this entire time, nor respond did I respond non-verbally in a strong way.
It probably looked from the outside like I was ignoring him completely.
Which, ironically, may have been what they were complaining about.
But the opposite was true.
I was sensing him as a wounded soul who needed to demonstrate power, and this was his way of trying to do that.
So I knew:
This isn’t about me.
I don’t have to respond in kind.
I don’t have to take the bait.
He returned to his seat.
There was silence in the room now.
And then he said something completely unexpected:
“You must have something together, because normally when I do that, people get upset.“
That was the confirmation of my suspcions.
This was a power play. One he had used before.
Not much more nuanced than an ape beating its chest trying to assert dominance.
But there’s an imporant learning here.
————————————————————–
There are well rehearsed power plays like this all the time in every day conversations:
→ Interruptions
→ Passive-aggressive insults (“I was joking!”)
→ Backhanded compliments
→ Overspeaking or dismissing your contribution
And I want you to know this:
You get to decide who you to speak with and set the conditions for that conversation.
You are the sovereign of your conversational space. You get to choose:
- Who speaks to you, and how
- Which conversations you engage with
- What respectful communication looks like for you
( See the PS for a comment about those people who must interact with as a part of work or family)
Yet many of us don’t fully exercise this power. We tolerate interruptions, disrespect, aggression, or controlling behavior out of habit or discomfort.
It doesn’t have to be that way.
One of the most important skills I teach my clients is how to declare and enforce healthy boundaries.
Clear boundaries protect your integrity, your peace, and your presence.
And of course, I want to acknowledge that sometimes we must engage with people we’d rather not—such as a rude boss or a difficult relative. Your choices must be framed according to your circumstances.
But the key point is to make conscious choices about how to manage these circumstances (and conversations) as best you can.
You can’t control how others behave, but you can engage consciously—and that gives these challenging scenarios the best chance for a better outcome. And that’s the best you can do.
So this week, consider:
- Where in your life do you need stronger boundaries?-
- How can you communicate clearly and respectfully what you require in interactions?
This week, practice not taking the bait.
If someone says something provactive – take a breath, center.
Summon a state of mindful presence.
You don’t have to accept everything handed to you.
If they raise their voice.
Lower yours.
(I love the way Jefferson Fisher puts it: “I don’t respond to volume.”)
It becomse clear that you are the one who is control here.
Notice what changes when you intentionally choose which conversations to engage in – and how.
Next time, we’ll go deeper into specific phrases you can use to declare and uphold your boundaries effectively.
Stay present,
Brett
PS.
And of course, I want to acknowledge that sometimes we must engage with people we’d rather not—such as a rude boss or a difficult relative. Your choices must be framed according to your circumstances.
But the key point is to make conscious choices about how to manage these circumstances (and conversations) as best you can.
You can’t control how others behave, but you can engage consciously and skillfully – and that gives these challenging scenarios the best chance for a better outcome.
Other then change the circumstance, that’s the best you can do.