Transcript: Overcoming Imposter Syndrome and Finding Your Voice
Hey, I wanted to talk about something that's really important and difficult to discuss in a way that is to the point and can help people broadly. It's a complicated topic, and I'm talking about imposter syndrome.
Defining the Imposter Experience
Now, in a nutshell, imposter syndrome is that feeling you have that kind of jams up your voice or your urge to talk or express. And that feeling is along the lines of: "I don't know if I am expert enough, good enough, fit well enough, qualified enough—something not enough" to speak up in this moment. There are lots of variations on this, but effectively they all go like: "I feel like I have something to contribute," but some process inside of you suppresses that urge to speak or contribute.
Some of that can be well-advised depending on the circumstance, but oftentimes it's not that you don't have something important to say, it's just that you're worried about how it's going to be received. Because there are lots of layers to the "because". Now if we unpack this, we slow this down a little bit, the answers to how do you overcome this are really personal. Because it really gets into the dynamics of your particular history with the situation that you find yourself a little bit—I'm going to use the word—throttled. Meaning, like, you would normally contribute at a certain level, but something is throttling your contribution; it's constricting you in a way where you don't feel like you're contributing in the way that you might like.
The Power of Positive Visualization
So let's flip this, first of all, and look to the positive side. What if there were no concerns like that at all? You were just able to speak whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted, and what would that look like and feel like? Would that feel good to you? Would that feel like more engaged? And what's on the other side of that? Is it that you would be well-received, you would be respected, you would be included? So really kind of identify in a mindful way—this is where the mindfulness practices like—get clear on what is the feeling you want to have when you do make a contribution.
Now, of course, we all want to be included, recognized, and acknowledged. And I want to say this one thing very clearly: You deserve to be heard. Regardless of your expertise, regardless of who you are and how you fit, you deserve to be heard in a way that you can be—your voice can get in the room.
Navigating the Learning Curve
Now, of course, if I am a new student in a class and I don't know anything about an entire subject and I have a question and I don't understand something and I want to ask about it, maybe I go, "Oh, maybe I don't want to ask about it because I'm just totally new". But, and so you, you know, you go, "Oh, I'm new" and it's a fact. You are new and you don't know and maybe everybody in the room does know more than you. But that doesn't mean that you are wrong. It doesn't make it wrong for you to ask questions about what you don't know because you don't know! It's up to them, whoever the teacher is and hopefully the context of the room, to help you feel like it's okay for you to have questions.
If you are at a completely different level than everybody in the room then yeah, you need to sit back and listen and take notes and make sure that you're contributing, you're asking questions that are truly clarifying questions for you. If it's something you could ask someone one-on-one or you could learn on your own or you're just not getting something but that you think you might could get with a little bit more effort, that's something maybe put on the sideline or—well I should say—as an assignment to go and study, and then if it's not clear, then you ask.
The Role of Preparation and Expertise
I know for myself, I'm a pretty technical guy. I understand a lot of technology, which is surprising to people, but I get into the weeds of this stuff. I mean anything from TCP/IP to DNS to cloud architecture to security—all of that—I've just had this very technical background in addition to my mindful training and somatic coaching experience. In consequence, when I ask a technical question, I'm coming to the table with a researched question and I legitimately need to know the answer to. And so I'm not embarrassed to ask because I know that I've done my homework.
Now, that's about preparation in terms of being able to, you know, table stakes so to speak. You show up prepared. Now, but there are plenty of other reasons why a person might not be—feel competent or confident in speaking up other than preparation. Let's say you've done all that, you've got all that and still you're going, "I just don't feel like I know what I'm doing enough" or "I'm not going to be received well enough". What's underneath that?
Addressing Cultural and Power Dynamics
Well, a lot of this can be cultural. If you are from another nation or you're the one or two of the, you know, genders represented in a room full of the opposite gender or apparent opposite gender, then maybe you don't feel like, "Oh, I'm the only guy in the room" or "I'm the only girl in the room or the woman in the room". And so, you know, those things have an impact on whether or not you feel received. Particularly women in the culture and business environments where the room's full of, you know, these "alpha males"—and I use air quotes because alpha male's generally a myth. I mean there are people who are domineering but I don't think of them as truly men often. I think of them as posers because, you know, to be really truly inhabit your strength you don't need to be dom—you don't need to demonstrate dominance to anybody.
And so that's the kind of strength that we're talking about here is the kind that doesn't need demonstration. That said, you still need to be able to be received well whenever you have something to contribute. So you can sit in a room full of people and you can feel like it's not okay for you to speak up for a lot of different reasons. Some of them are very good reasons, like I mentioned before, there's a power dynamic between genders occasionally and that has a—the people who've been through that power dynamic have suffered because of it. And so they know there might be a cost for me to speak up.
That's not on you. That's the dynamic of the situation that you're in, and you have to adapt to whatever that context is as best you can and not take it on personally and realize it's not about me, it's about the culture. This what—I'll also say this to minorities and people who are from other countries learning another language and trying to fit in: It's not about you, it's about the culture. ## Mindful Techniques: Notice and Name So if, in an ideal world, you could erase those differences, what would you contribute? And that's the level that I would like to encourage you to reach for. So the way this works is you notice that you feel like you want to contribute something and you have some kind of a thought in your head: "I don't know, there's a brake going on".
Mindfully, the thing you want to do is first notice the brake, notice the voice, right? Notice what that is, and then you think to yourself: "Oh, there's that voice, there's that feeling that I don't fit or I'm not enough or what—whatever it is, right?" And then you just notice it and you feel what it feels like, not making it a huge big deal, you just notice and name it. And that's the—one of the big powers of mindful communications and somatic experience is to notice and name your experience.
So you're noticing: "Oh yeah, I feel like it's not okay for me to speak up because of a self-imposed limitation, an idea around it". And then you can choose: "Alright, I'm going to do this anyway". And you can make a choice, and you can notice: "Oh this feels really risky" or feels—and if you do that, that's great, that's fabulous.
The Helpful Contribution Test
I'm going to invite this question though, and this is a really key question that underscores all the stuff I'm talking about, and that is this: Do you feel in your bones, in your heart, in your core that what you have to say, who you are, can contribute and be helpful to the conversation? I really mean that. Do you think you can be helpful? Do you think what you have to say is a contribution to the conversation and can be helpful?
And if the answer to that is yes, then land in the truth of that, right? Let that be what you're connected to in that moment: "What I have to say needs to be heard. I can—" and and therefore when you have these other voices—"Oh I don't know if it's going to be received"—you can't own that. All you can do is—well you can own it, but if you do, you're never going to be able to be responsible for how other people receive things when they are delivered from an authentic place, right?
Dealing with Toxic Environments
Now, I want to be very clear: There are some contexts, there are some environments that are what I call toxic. And if you're in an environment where they don't really like people who aren't from "the club," if you know what I mean, right? And you don't fit because of your appearance or your heritage or your gender or your economic status, that's not on you, it's just a fact of the way that they are organized. And so your impulse to kind of be cautious about what you say is well-considered.
You are not going to change that by trying to fit in. That is not going to happen. The only way that would ever have an impact is if you brought some, you know, really massive level of value to the organization that is way above your your expected level of contribution. I would suggest in those contexts, if you find yourself there, that you find another context because you're not going to ever be acknowledged or or supported in a world that doesn't—that devalues you for who you are, right? Instead of what you can offer and contribute.
Finding Authority Within Yourself
So seek out, find, and align with environments and contexts where those things aren't negatives for you going in. And then land in the sense of certainty about what you know. When I was doing technical work for Microsoft and other companies, one thing that I made really blanking sure of is that I knew my tech. That way when I walked into the room, people who knew I was an expert in, you know, web server security—which was one of my expertises—and so when I spoke, I had pre-vetted authority because they knew I was an expert in that thing. And and I was not shy about saying, "Here's the way this works," and I knew how it worked because I had done it and I had studied it and I had researched it. And so I could put it out there with authority.
And people who doubted me, they did so at their own risk—not because of me, but because there are facts involved, right? And those facts would in—in technology in particular—would always play a role in determining whether or not you are seen as someone who's authoritative.
Internal vs. External Validation
The key question once again is: What is the environment that you're in? How likely is it that the the thoughts that you're having—that "I shouldn't be speaking up" or "I don't want to speak up as much as I wish"—are memories from past scenarios that you're just simply remembering here and they don't really apply? And how much of them are actually in the room, right? And you'll know because you check it out, you'll test it out.
So I encourage you to notice how this feels in you, notice how it comes up—the actual nature and quality of the voices that you hear in your own mind. What does it feel like? Is it about acceptance or is it about actual value of what you have to say? And if very frequently you know what you have to say is valuable and you know you have something to offer. That's why you're in the room! Because you're there.
And and in a certain way if you don't contribute, you withhold your value from the team or the organization and that's not going to get you anywhere. And so it's better to contribute and let people see and realize and hear from you. If you get feedback that's of more personal nature that has to be worked out in an interpersonal way because it's not about what you have to say, it's about their judgment of you.
Depersonalizing Your Contribution
So land in the truth of what you know and the feeling you have about "is my contribution worthy? Does it need to be said? Is it going to help the conversation?" And then notice the interactions. Oftentimes people will simply appreciate what you have to say and want more of it.
So notice when that happens. If someone comes back to you and says, "Ah, thanks for saying that," really let yourself feel that. Let yourself have that experience of being appreciated. And check that—check that, note that, underscore that later when you feel that feeling. You can go, "Oh yeah, well you know, I have direct experience that people often do appreciate what I have to say".
And then you begin to relax a little bit around it and you can feel more confident so that when you walk into the room and you sit down, you're not just, you know, someone who may or may not contribute depending on the—you're someone who's holding a seat of authority. And it's not authority that the company gives you or the organization gives you, but it's the authority you have from knowing what you know, being willing to speak about it, and not being identified with it personally. You have to take it down a level and treat these things as if they were like objects rather than personal identity, right? So what you say, it's not about you if someone doesn't like it or disagrees with it; it's about the topic.
Final Encouragement
So keep those things in mind. Remember to land in the honest answer about: "Do you feel like what you have to say is valuable? Do you think—" if you're a coach or, you know, someone who helps other people, the question is: "Do you feel like you can be helpful, right?" And so when you have those feelings about "Oh I don't know, I feel like an imposter here," just land back in that sense: "I know that I can be helpful".
And then if you aren't so elegant one time or a few times while you're trying to learn, that's just the way you learn, right? So keep these things in mind. And also another tip: Before you walk into the room and if you're worried about speaking up, take a moment, take a breath, transition. I have a zillion of these kinds of suggestions and ideas in this course, "Mindful Communications and Presence for Professionals," so check that course out. It's amazing, and I'd really love to see anyone who's interested in trying to be, you know, more connected to what's true for themselves so they can show up more fully in the world. So blessings to you and I hope this has been helpful. Thank you.
