We’ve spent the last few letters exploring the automatic nature of our minds.
We’ve seen how our brains are wired for snap judgments and how our personal history constantly colors our view of the present.
It’s easy to walk into a conversation on autopilot. That’s our default state.
But what if we could consciously choose a different starting point?
What difference would it make to a conversation if you were already in touch with something good about another person, before a word was spoken?
I want to share a simple, powerful practice I learned years ago from Ron Kurtz, the creator of the Hakomi Method.
It’s a direct intervention into that automatic process, and it has completely changed how I begin any conversation.
He was demonstrating how to start a session, and he said very clearly and easily, “You know, the first thing I do when I sit down with a client, is that I look for something I like about them.”
The light in their eye, the warmth in their smile, or a gesture they make.
This isn’t about creating a big, predisposed experience of the person.
It’s a simple noticing, but an intentional one.
You are making a conscious choice to orient yourself toward connection and positivity right from the start.
This is especially important for coaches, leaders, and anyone working with a team.
This initial act of positive noticing becomes a gentle influence on the conversation, not a filter for everything you say.
It’s a simple way to bring more conscious positivity into your interactions, because we need more of that in the world.
When someone is greeted from this place, it feels different. There is a palpable sense of presence and warmth. It’s an invitation to connect that calls on the other person to be present as well, creating a space of safety and trust right from the start.
This week, I invite you to try it.
The next time you meet someone new or begin a conversation, make it your first, quiet task to find one small thing you genuinely appreciate about them.
You can practice with simple, transient meetings like cashiers or people you pass on the sidewalk that you don’t even speak to.
Hold that feeling for a moment.
Then, notice how it shifts your own state and the entire feeling of the interaction that follows.
Stay present, and remember—connection begins with a conscious choice.
– Brett