Someone sends you a one-word, curt email. A colleague is late for your meeting. A friend doesn’t text you back for a day.
What’s the automatic story that runs through your mind?
If you’re like many, the story is often a negative one: “They’re so disrespectful.” “They must be angry with me.” “They’re intentionally ‘dissing’ me.”
We invent a negative story to explain what’s happening—and then we suffer as if that story is 100% true.
But when you have incomplete information, you are free to make up any story you wish. You could just as easily tell a neutral one: “Maybe they’re busy.” “Maybe their phone is dead.” “Maybe they got ill.”
The real question to ask yourself is: When dealing with situations where you have incomplete information, do you fill in the blank with outcomes that feel bad?
If so, that’s a habit that is simply “trashing your moment.”
It’s familiar and serves a purpose, providing a coherent view of the world for yourself (which often starts with, “Why does this always happen to me…?”). But even if that old shoe fits, it’s one that feels bad and doesn’t need to.
What can you do to sort this out?
First, decide to check it out. Be mindful of the moment itself. When it happens, notice the thought: “There’s that part of me that is creating a story about what this means and feeling bad about it.”
Then, take a scientific approach. Propose that the story you are thinking about could be true, but before going to “that must be so,” ask yourself: “What do I know to be true?”
Review the actual, behavioral facts. “I sent a text, and they did not reply in the timeframe I was expecting.” That’s it. That’s the fact.
You also have a history to inform you, but rather than making a conclusive judgment, ask yourself: “Is my story true?”
Most likely, the answer is you don’t know. It could be they are being mean. It could also be they are busy or their phone is dead. If the honest answer is, “I don’t know,” then you have a choice.
Why create a story that feels bad?
I learned this in a very practical way by dealing with bad drivers. There was a time when, if someone drove recklessly, it would upset me. I’d think, “How can they be that way? This is ridiculous! Don’t they know better?” And I got angry about it.
But in working on myself, I realized my frustration didn’t change the fact that you will always encounter bad drivers.
So I made an intentional shift. Instead of expecting everyone to be a responsible driver, I started to expect that people will make poor decisions. That way, my trip is a lot more peaceful.
(And of course, most drive well enough that you don’t think it’s an insane risk to go to the grocery store. But we don’t wind up thinking, “Hey, I had a great experience! I went to the store, and most people were great drivers!” That’s interesting, actually.)
If someone cuts you off, the truth is, you don’t know why they’re driving that way. Maybe they are just reckless, but maybe they are stressed, in a hurry, or rushing to a hospital. But even if they have a great reason or a poor reason, the anxiety I was generating didn’t change anything; it just trashed my moment.
This isn’t about inventing a “generous” story. It’s about aligning my experience with the facts rather than a story I create about my experience.
Now, to be clear, this practice is not about excusing abusive or controlling behavior. This is a tool for the moments when you are the one creating your own angst in the face of incomplete information or transient experiences you cannot change.
It’s about choosing to rest in the simple, objective truth of “I don’t know,” and protecting your own peace in the process.
And this has real applications in real time with real people. Next time, I’ll talk some more about that.
Stay present, and remember—there is plenty to be thoughtful about in the world, so don’t let a story you’ve invented ruin your moment.
– Brett