In my last letter, I wrote about the “Glass Half Full” – the idea that behind every frustration is an intrinsic drive to thrive.
Ideally, when you speak to that drive in someone – when you acknowledge their hard work or their desire for success – they light up. They feel seen. They connect to that somatic truth in them, and the energy shifts. Now, they feel more resilient, relaxed, and energized at the same time.
But... what if they don’t?
I noticed the other day that I was particularly despondent. And the thoughts and efforts to connect to the “glass half full” part of me were like yelling into the Grand Canyon. It’s not a great place, as the resilience I know is “in there” was simply not accessible.
While this was an unfun place to be, I am always a student of me experience.
And what this did for me was amplify my empathy and understanding for those who seem intractably identified with disabled states.
You are listening to a colleague or a friend who is resigned. They aren’t just complaining; they are deeply disconnected. They feel helpless.
Using the glass-half-full approach, as a friend, colleague, or coach, you try to point out what they are fighting for – to “sing their song.”
You tell them, “You have done so much in this area, you deserve success.” You try to shine a light on their “Glass Half Full.”
You speak to them about their worthiness and believe it.
And you get… nothing.
The lights don’t come on. They don’t say, “Oh, you’re right.” They stay in the dark. The words disappear into the canyon.
There’s no fault here. It’s not “well, you would do better if you would only do <this>” or blaming/shaming “what did you expect when you left your job.”
When a person is disempowered for too long, they adapt. That is 100% guaranteed because that’s what our nervous systems do.
How? They might get angry (Fight) – by blaming others or feeling resentful. Or they might withdraw into resignation (Flight/Freeze).
(There are others, but these are common).
This isn’t just a self inflicted “bad attitude” – it is a neurological and chemical state.
They have entered a “trench” of disablement where the connection to their own “blueprint” is blocked. Like a stream that is just a trickle (now, if we can only get water to recall thethe mighty ocean is seeks!).
If you keep trying to shine a bright light on their world by naming their half-full energy – it doesn’t help. It can actually make them feel more isolated or angry.
So, when those efforts fail, what is left?
The Shift to Loving Presence
It doesn’t help to keep naming the goodness you see in them (for now), so instead, you offer the most powerful tool available to a human being: Loving Presence.
The Vietnamese monk Thich Nhat Hanh famously said: “The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.”
This isn’t just poetic; it is a mechanism of change.
Ron Kurtz, the founder of the Hakomi Method of somatic psychotherapy, spent his life developing intricate techniques to help people heal. Yet, towards the end of his career, his focus shifted. He moved away from being “technically astute” and taught that the single most effective tool was simply the practitioner’s state of being.
He called this Loving Presence.
I had the good fortune to be in the very first workshop he offered on this.
His theory – and his experience – was that when someone is in the company of Loving Presence, healing happens. The safety created by that presence helps create the conditions that make it possible for the other person’s nervous system to relax. To be reminded of what it means to be nourished. To find its own way back to the blueprint.
There is a transmission here that goes beyond description and words.
(If you feel it, you know what I mean)
It is a profound service to offer another human being – to say, without words, “I see you are in the dark, and I am not afraid to sit here with you.”
You hold the belief in them for them because they currently don’t have the energy to hold it for themselves. (John Eisman referred to this as being a Surrogate Operating System. Love that!)
But How? This raises a big question: How do I become a Loving Presence? How do I embody that state in the middle of a busy workday or a difficult conversation? This is a practice in itself, and one we will explore in a future letter.
For now, know that simply “being with” is not doing nothing. It is doing everything.
But… sometimes the trench is deep, and we need to help the energy move in a different way.
In the next letter, I want to share a story about a famous hypnotherapist, a depressed woman, and some African Violets, that teaches us a “sleight of hand” trick for moving energy from stuck to engaged.
Stay present,
Brett