Hi ,
Have you ever seen a great team get derailed when a healthy debate turns into a personal conflict?
I was recently coaching a director of engineering who was managing this exact situation. Two of his senior architects had very different, competing solutions to a complex problem. What began as a technical disagreement had become personal. They were at odds, and the tension was starting to impact the team.
The problem wasn’t the disagreement itself; it was that each person had become identified with their own proposal. It was no longer about finding the best solution; it was about “my process,” “my suggestion,” and whose idea was more valid.
This is a classic trap in high-stress projects as well as interpersonal relationships. When the pressure is on, it’s easy to forget that you’re all on the same team. This is a great place to practice mindful communication skills when you can summon the inner space to do so (which is why it’s called a practice, right?).
When you are involved in or managing a team where open conflict erupts, it could be time to ring the bell of collaboration.
It’s the practice of continuously and frequently naming the common cause that unites everyone. It’s a verbal reminder that shifts the focus from individual competition back to the shared mission.
This is informed by a simple, underlying truth: we all want to thrive. At work, we all want to have successful careers. We want to be recognized, listened to, acknowledged, and supported. Remembering that everyone wants this is the first step.
Here’s what ringing the bell looks like in practice:
Name the Shared Goal. Start by stating the obvious truth that everyone can agree on. “We all want this project to succeed. We want this team to be successful, and we want to have a good time doing it. We are all working towards the best possible solution. That doesn’t mean it will go you’re way, but it does mean we are trying do our best to get to better, right?” This simple act re-establishes common ground.
Separate the Idea from the Person. In these debates, there can be winners and losers when it comes to ideas, but not people. As a leader, it’s crucial to make this distinction clear. “This isn’t about who is more valuable; it’s about which design we’re going to move forward with collectively.”
Honor the Contribution. When a decision is made, the person whose idea wasn’t chosen needs to feel that their perspective was heard and respected. Acknowledge their work. (Of course, not every suggestion merits full vetting, and how you manage those that don’t get past first base is a key leadership skill as well.)
Unite Around the Decision. Once a path is chosen, ring the bell again. Acknowledge that not everyone will be happy, but help people feel like they are part of a team working for the common good. Some will snap to this; others are used to being rogues. They have their place, too.
When you “ring the bell of collaboration,” you’re not just managing a conflict; you’re shaping the culture. You’re creating an environment where passionate debate can exist without fracturing the team while facilitating productivity and supporting engagement.
The magic of this is in your ability to step back, see the truth of “we are in this together,” and speak from that place.
This week, in a moment of disagreement—at work or at home—I invite you to try this. Before diving into the differences, pause and name the common cause.
Stay present, and be a bridge builder.
– Brett
P.S. Next time, we’ll explore the other side of this coin: what happens when your own idea is the one that gets rejected, and how to stay resilient and engaged when you feel disappointed.