Hi ,
Imagine you’re sitting at a café with a friend. They’re telling you about being passed over for a promotion they worked incredibly hard for. As they talk, you can see the story is difficult to tell.
They pause, looking away for a moment as a wave of emotion rises.
In that small silence, what’s your first impulse?
For many of us, it’s to connect by sharing a similar experience. We jump in with a well-intentioned, “I know
exactly what you’re feeling. The same thing happened to me…”.
It feels like the right thing to do. It feels like empathy.
But in that moment, something subtle and powerful happens: the conversationa spotlight shifts.
A conversation that was about their pain and disappointment suddenly, now, it’s about you. About your story, your past.
While the intent is to connect, the impact can be the opposite.
It leaves them like you aren’t really there for them. They just want to be heard.
There is another way. A more mindful way.
Instead of sharing your story, you can choose to keep the spotlight firmly on them. You can offer your full presence and simply acknowledge the truth of their experience with a few simple words.
“That really sucks. I know that promotion was important to you”.
Or even more simply:
“This is big, huh?”. (I love the elegant simplicty of this. You let them know you see them deeply, indirectly express caring, and keep the spotlight on them at the same time.)
When you do this, you offer one of the most generous gifts possible: the gift of being fully seen.
Your response says, “I’m here. I’m with you. I’m not afraid of your feelings, and I’m not going to make this about me”.
This is how trust is built. It’s how conversations move from transactional to transformational.
This week, I invite you to simply notice who has the spotlight. In your conversations, just observe where the light is shining. Is it on the speaker? Does it shift back to you? There’s no need to judge it—just notice.
And once you have that in focus, you now make concious choices about it.
Sometimes you should be the one talking. Sometimes it helps if others are.
The key is start having this be a part of your everday conversational intelligence.
You might be surprised by how much this one simple awareness changes how you connect and deepens relationships.
I have to say, this one practice has done so much for me personally and professionally, that’s hard to overstate how valuable it is.
Stay present, and remember the words of Thich Nhat Hanh:
“The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence.”
– Brett
P.S.
This one of many practices in my book The Language of Mindfulenss in development.
If you’d like an inside view of publising the book as well an early look at some of the content, click here.
No costs or oblgation.