Hi ,
One of the most confusing aspects of mindfulness is the concept of being “non-judgmental.”
It’s a core piece of Jon Kabat-Zinn’s classic definition: “Paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.”
I like this definition not only because it’s descriptive, but also because it serves as a roadmap.
Yet, that final word causes a lot of confusion.
People often think judgment is “bad” and should be banished, which leads to a familiar trap: judging yourself. “OMG, I’m having a judgment! I’m not doing this right!”
But judgment is a critical tool for navigating life.
Every day, we make judgments.
- What should I have for dinner?
- Should I take that promotion or quit my job?
- Is this a good person to get into a relationship with?
So if judgment is essential, how can we practice being non-judgmental?
The goal of mindfulness isn’t to eliminate judgment; it’s to interrupt our nervous system’s natural tendency to make snap judgments.
Our brains are wired for snap judgments because they are efficient.
Mindfulness, on the other hand, relies on the “executive function” of the brain, which consumes more energy than any other process.
As a result, our brains are optimized to conserve energy and focus only on urgent and important situations.
In an interview I did with Dr. Ron Siegel, an associate professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School, he shared a powerful example.
Our nervous systems evolved over hundreds of thousands of years in the wild, a world very different from the one we inhabit today.
Imagine our ancestors on the savanna, sitting by a pond. They see something on the other side. Is it a rock or a lion? If you mistake a rock for a lion, no big deal. But if you mistake a lion for a rock, it’s a fatal error. Our nervous systems evolved to be biased toward threat and to make split-second assessments.
This ancient wiring has a big impact on our modern interactions.
When we meet someone, our brain has already made a quick assessment. “Am I safe?” is the first one. Then we look at age, race, how they walk, dress, and more, and that maps to our experience of other people who are similar in some ways. All of this happens in a second without conscious thought.
You will have a feeling about this person before you even speak to them (more on this in the next letter)
Your brain tends to dismiss the need to pay close attention to the person you’ve just met, instead offering summary judgments about them.
“Oh, they talk slow so they probably aren’t very smart.” “They are dress well, so I bet they have a good job.” “They don’t make much eye contact; I bet they are shy.”
A mindful approach is to notice these initial “impressions” and then consciously press pause on drawing conclusions.
For me, I notice my impressions, and then go about confirming or refining them.
Or even better, just letting them go and being present with the person I’m speaking with, in the moment, as clearly as I can.
But your brain will offer these notions up.
And so the key practice is simply noticing them and asking, “Is that so?” – that is the “non-judgmental” part. It’s not the absence of judgment; it’s the practice of being conscious about it.
This week, I invite you to try a small experiment. Don’t try to stop making judgments. Just notice them as they arise.
Then, gently ask yourself: “Is it true?”
Often, the answer is, “maybe.” That single word opens the door for a different, more connected conversation.
Stay present, and remember – the goal isn’t to stop judging, but to press pause on snap jugdmeent, and let yourself explore who is this person?
Then you create the conditions that give a deeper connection it’s best possible chance.
And that is a cool gift.
– Brett
P.S. In my next email, we’ll explore one of the most powerful ways our judgments get colored without us even realizing it—and a simple practice to start seeing people more clearly.