Hi ,
Last time, we explored the idea of “managing the spotlight” in a conversation. But why is the alternative—simply being silent—so difficult?
I saw this firsthand a few years ago while teaching a class on mindfulness and communication. One of the first exercises was to have people pair up and simply sit silently across from one another. There was no agenda, no eye-gazing, no conversation—just being.
It’s a simple practice, but it is very hard for people.
Some people felt “at risk,” while others were just deeply uncomfortable. The most common word used to describe it was “awkward.”
And it is awkward, isn’t it? There are so few moments in our lives where we just sit with another person in silence.
The point of the exercise was to feel just how unfamiliar this can be. Just like learning to play the piano, where the hand positions feel clumsy at first, being silent with others often feels uncomfortable simply because we aren’t used to it.
(BTW, for the geeks out there, that weird, awkard, and uncomfortable feeling you get when you’re trying something new is what learning feels like. That sense of “huh?, how do I make this work? That feels weird, not sure if like this” is your brain entering a state of high learning. This is neuroplasticity at work. Your brain is struggling to integrate a new experience so is telling you ‘this is weird”. In short, that’s a great place to be, but it’s not a ton of fun to be there.)
We practice this skill, not for the sake of silence itself, but so we have the capacity to be silent when it’s what the moment truly calls for.
When you can hold that quiet space for someone, a felt sense of loving presence can emerge. In this state, you don’t take on their burden or feel their pain as a weight. It’s a resilient and spacious place where you are simply there for them as a trusted companion who cares.
Of course, you don’t need a classroom to build this muscle. You can practice in everyday moments.
When you’re in an easy conversation and a natural pause occurs, just let it be. Don’t rush to fill it. Notice what it feels like to simply share a quiet moment. By practicing when the stakes are low, you build the capacity to offer your quiet, steady presence when it matters most.
Stay present, and remember—your quiet presence can be the most powerful support you can offer.
– Brett
P.S. Next week, we’ll explore what to do when you’re the one who gets triggered in a conversation, and how to find your center when things get heated.