Hi ,
In the last letter, I shared a principle that’s helped me stay more grounded when people act badly:
Most of the time, people act in hurtful ways because they are hurting or deeply insecure.
That doesn’t make the behavior okay—but it can help you stay calm, centered, and less reactive in the moment.
It can help you remember: this isn’t really about me.
But what about those rare situations where something deeper is going on?
Sometimes, the person you’re dealing with doesn’t just seem immature or reactive.
There’s something fundamentally different.
They are continuously unmoved by appeals to empathy or fairness. And strangely good at making you feel like the problem.
You might start to wonder: Am I dealing with a narcissist? A sociopath? A psychopath?
It’s a fair question. And in some rare cases, it might even be true.
Estimates vary, but roughly 1% of the population meets clinical criteria for one of these personality disorders. That may sound small—but over the course of your life, chances are, you’ve met a few.
I have.
A quick story
When I was in my 20s, I was the manager for a small chain of computer stores in Oklahoma.
One day, the owner—who was charming, successful, and, as I later came to realize, deeply manipulative—offered to give me a ride in his Porsche.
We were on the flat plains, and out of nowhere, he said, “Check this out.”
Without my consent, he floored the gas and pushed the car to over 140mph.
I was terrified. I asked him to slow down.
He laughed.
He was enjoying my fear.
A few weeks later, we received a double payment from a school district. I flagged it and said we should return the extra check.
He said, “No. We’re cashing it.”
I said, “That’s theft.”
He said, “So?”
No shame. No concern. Just a smirk.
That was when I realized I was dealing with something I didn’t yet have words for. But I knew one thing for sure:
This was not going to go well.
And that proved to be true.
Under my guidance, the stores were the best performing Apple sales stores in the southwest.He had no clue how to start these stores.
But when it came time collect get my 10% of the profits we had agreed on, he simply said “no.”
Surprised, I said “that’s not what we agreed on when you hired me.”
And he replied “So? Feel free to to quit”
So I did.
How can you tell if someone really fits one of these categories?
The honest answer is: you probably can’t. Not right away.
Most of us encounter traits before we encounter a pattern. That’s normal.
The danger comes when we rush to label someone too quickly.
Your mind wants to make sense of bad behavior—so it grabs for explanations:
- “He’s a narcissist.”
- “She’s a sociopath.”
- “They’re just evil.”
And sure, it can be tempting to put people in a box. It makes things tidy.
But it can also shut down your discernment.
Because not everyone who lashes out is clincal problem.
So instead of jumping to conclusions, try this:
Notice the behavior. Watch for patterns. Stay curious, but stay smart.
How to respond if you suspect something’s off
If you think you may be dealing with someone who has strong narcissistic, sociopathic, or psychopathic traits—especially in a close personal or professional relationship—you need to shift your strategy.
Look for a history of the same behaviors. A peculiar detachment from “warm” feelings. Or a persistent focus on their own accomplishments and glory, and it’s much to easy for them to undermine or disparage the accomplishent of others.
Here’s what doesn’t work:
- Don’t expect understanding. They don’t care about your “why.”
- Don’t defend yourself. They are in control if you play this game.
- Don’t hope for resolution through dialogue. They’ll use what you say against you.
- Don’t keep offering olive branches. They will be used as kindling.
Instead:
- Don’t play the game. If they provoke or bait you, don’t take the bait. Use neutral replies: “I see.” “Got it.” “Ok” or better yet, silence.
- Protect your boundaries. “I see it differently then get out of the conversation quickly.
- Get external support. Don’t try to figure this out alone.
- Engage with clarity—not hope. You are not going to “reach” them. That’s not how this works.
And if someone ever makes you feel unsafe, trust that feeling.
One Quick Test
The easiest of these types to sort out are narcissists or those narcisistic tendencies.
Their inner world is very predictable which makes them easy to maniiplate.
They are always, only concerned about how they look to others.
ALWAYS and ONLY.
As a result, if you say “You know, Jose is also doing a great job here. It’s comparable to what your’re doing in many ways.”
They cannot let that stand and will often demean Jose, either personally or professionally. Sometimes viciouslly.
What you won’t hear is “that’s interesting. Let’s do so market research and figure out what they are doing right.”
WIth a person like this, if your engement with them helps them look more sucessful and amazing, you’re “incredible” and “amazing.’
But the moment that isn’t so, you’re either a nobody or worse, incompenent, ugly, or immoral.
Mindfulness supports Discernment – your best ally.
There are dangerous people in the world and you will encounter them.
That’s why mindful presence matters so much. It’s what helps you slow down your reactivity, so you can discern clearly.
And if you’ve practiced these skills when life is calm—you’re more likely to have access to them when it’s not.
As always: this is a practice.
You won’t get it perfect. I don’t either.
But you can get better.
You can become someone who brings grounded awareness, even into difficult spaces.
Realizing that no amount of finesse is going to break new ground with these extreme disorders, and trying, can have damaging outcomes.
So yes—do less harm in the world.
And that includes protecting yourself from harm as well.
Stay present,
Brett