What to Do When People Interrupt You

Speaker: Brett Hill

We’ve all been there. You’re in a meeting or at a party, or maybe at a dinner table, and right in the middle of what you’re saying, someone just starts talking right over the top of what you’re saying. Just right in the middle of it.

What happens for you right then?

Let’s break this down into a pretty refined way of looking at what’s going on. The first thing that happens is your body is responding to, “Wait, what just happened?” So there’s a bit of a shock. You weren’t expecting it. It just comes out of the blue. It’s like, “Wait, what? Did that just happen?”

Yeah, it did. And that’s the next stage. “Yep, that just happened. So what are you going to do?”

Frequently, there’s a bit of frustration, maybe even anger. For some people, it can feel even like shame. Like, “Oh my gosh, was I saying something wrong?” and “I’ve been interrupted in front of all these people,” “I’m being dismissed.” Those can be very powerful feelings that can cause you to pull back. Other people, depending on how you’re wired, are not going to tolerate that and are going to push back hard.

I’m not here to say what’s right or wrong. We’re just talking about how you do you in these circumstances. And we’re going to talk about some tools that you can use in these situations a little bit later to help you manage to get a better outcome.

Exploring Your Own Interruption Style

There’s another way you can go. Rather than pulling back or being aggressive, you can be mindful and thoughtful about how you want to manage the situation. And it starts by getting clear on your own mindset.

First things first, I’m going to ask you to take a moment and look back over the history of your conversations in the world. And I’m going to ask you a question, and be really honest about this: How willing are you to let yourself be interrupted?

I’m framing this in a way of something that you allow, because we’ll talk about that. But if someone interrupts you, how okay or not are you with it? And again, this is no judgment; we’re just exploring what is true. It’s like lifting a weight. Can you lift 10 pounds? Can you lift 100 pounds? Whatever it is, is whatever it is.

Some people will never permit it. “How dare you insult me like interrupting my train of thought! Have you no manners?” Others will permit it all the time. They’ll just be quiet. They’ll just retreat. So where are you on that scale?

And on the flip side—this is maybe even a harder question—how willing are you to interrupt someone else? And by willing, I simply mean, how often do you? Because if you’re doing it, you’re willing.

Now, I have to confess that I sometimes interrupt people. I know that might sound weird as a mindful coach and someone who teaches mindful communication, but I don’t mean to. I just get excited about an idea and I jump in. It’s something I have to be mindful of, and that’s one of the reasons I teach things like “pause before you speak.” When I get wound up, I talk fast, and sometimes I’m not mindful of the flow of the conversation as well as I should be.

But what we’re talking about here today is the pattern of interruption, the kind that feels like a power dynamic.

You know, in all this conversation about what’s your style for being interrupted, it’s a good time to talk about a project I’ve been working on to help you understand your own communication style. Some of you, if you listen to this show, you know I love technology, and I’ve been tinkering with a custom AI to help you diagnose and provide suggestions for what are your strengths and what’s your kryptonite. What gets in your way of you being a more powerful communicator?

So I spent quite a few months on this, training this expert system using many of the techniques I talk about on the show and in The Mindful Coach Letter, my newsletter.

You can go to this assessment. It’s called “What’s Your Communication Signature Strength?” It will analyze your unique patterns and present you with a report, and email it to you, that identifies your communication superpower and your specific kryptonite. And then it will make recommendations that are tailored to your specific situation, taken from my set of unique practices.

You get the report, you get it instantly. It’s completely free. There are no strings attached. All you do to get access to it is just text the word REPORT to 1-425-584-5883. That’s 1-425-584-5883. That’s for US and Canada numbers. And if you’re outside of those areas, you can just go to https://www.google.com/search?q=themindfulcoach.com, where you’ll find a link to the report there. It’s a really fun report. I’m looking forward to hearing from you about it. Let me know what you think.

Why Do People Interrupt?

Now, we were talking about interruptions and how they happen and what to do about them. And I promised some actionable practices you can try. But first, before we decide what to do, it’s helpful to inquire into why this is happening. What is going on for the other person?

I mentioned before, sometimes I just get excited and over-talk, interrupt somebody without realizing it. In that case, it’s not personal. Now, the impact is personal, but I’m not being mindful of it.

So sometimes it’s just an unconscious habit. It’s just someone who is not paying attention to what they’re doing. It’s not about you, it’s about them not paying attention, being a bit on overdrive, if you will.

In some cases, there’s a bit of a power play involved. And you can tell because if you sense into it, there’s a bit of a bite in the interruption. So is this person like a serial interrupter, or is it just something they do occasionally? When there’s a put-down or an intent to diminish your participation in the interruption, you can feel it.

Why are they doing that? You don’t really know necessarily, unless you know the person well. Sometimes it’s just their habit. They’re used to it. It’s a way of asserting a bit of dominance, and people let them, and so it’s been working for them, and they continue to do it because of that.

Another factor when it comes to interruption is cultural differences, and this is huge. I had a client from an Eastern European culture who was getting feedback from their work that they were just too aggressive and direct, and it was irritating people around them. People just didn’t know how to handle her. She was amazing and really good at what she was doing, but she was aggressive in her style.

And she said this wasn’t about the people. She doesn’t mean to be dismissive or disrespectful. It’s just the way they do it in her culture. When people have conflict, they get in each other’s face and they talk it out at volume. They kind of get angry with each other, they let it all out, they say it face to face in close proximity, and then they’re done and they move on and everything’s good. That’s just the way that they did it in the culture.

In American culture particularly, that’s not okay. That’s too aggressive. And so we were working on elevating her awareness of what the cultural norms are here, not trying to say she was wrong, but helping her to consider the impacts that she wished to have.

So when you get interrupted, what’s going on? Is it cultural? Is it unconsciousness? Is it a power dynamic? There could be men and women dynamics. Studies show that men interrupt women about 33% more than they interrupt other men. And also, it’s perceived differently. In some cases, men elevate their status by interrupting, whereas women can be seen as being kind of out of line. If you want to have a really interesting afternoon, just Google “interruptions by men and women” and start reading. You’ll find some fascinating studies.

Practical Techniques to Reclaim Your Space

Now that we’ve considered the why and a lot of the dynamics, let’s get practical. When you’re interrupted, you have a task: to declare what is okay for you. And regardless if you say something or not, it’s a declaration of what is okay.

If you don’t say something, you’re speaking volumes. You’re not necessarily saying “it’s okay with me,” but you are demonstrating that you won’t do anything about it. And if anybody else in the room also doesn’t do anything about it, then that begins to set a norm for what is acceptable behavior in this particular group, and maybe even this particular company or culture.

Now, in terms of the ways that you can approach this, my first approach these days is to be fairly assertive. This technique is really simple. When someone interrupts you—let’s just call him Martin—lower your voice. Lower your voice and say, “Martin, you’re next.”

Lowering your voice is a very powerful move here because it shows you are not going to escalate; you’re maintaining control. You say, “Martin, you’re next.” Very calmly, very assertively, without raising your voice. That’s it. You don’t say, “Excuse me, I’m sorry, but I wasn’t finished.” You can do that, but it’s unnecessary, and it shows that you’re activated. Is that what you want to communicate?

No apologies are necessary. Just a calm, “Martin, you’re next.” That will solve 99% of these interruptions.

But now, if someone’s being particularly forceful, I love to add a nonverbal cue. A very, very powerful nonverbal cue is to accompany that “Martin, you’re next” with putting your hand up like a stop sign. You know, the universal sign for “stop,” like a policeman guiding traffic. “Don’t go any further” is what it’s saying. And just very gently raise your hand. “Martin, you’re next.”

Really, really powerful. It will stop an elephant in its tracks often, if you do it well. That will really help you claim the space that you deserve.

This is perhaps the most important thing of all. This isn’t just about you. It’s helping other people have the space that they deserve as well, and also setting a standard for what kind of world do you want to live in.

I was at a party once and I noticed that whenever one of the women in the circle started to speak, this one man would interrupt her. Regularly. After seeing this happen a couple of times, I stepped in and I said, “Excuse me, but I’d really like to hear what she has to say.” He looked a little shocked, and he stopped. And she finished her thought after giving me this acknowledging nod.

I intervened in this not just for her, but to send a message that this dynamic that was clearly on display was not okay. And this is the deeper principle. It’s about being a good steward for the kind of culture that we all want to live in. The principle here is fundamental: If you are willing to speak at all, then you deserve to finish what you have to say. And when you claim that privilege, you are not just standing up for yourself, you are modeling for everyone else what a respectful conversation looks like. And Lord knows we need a lot more of that these days.

Now, of course, to do this, you have to have the feeling that you’re worth listening to, that your voice deserves to be heard. And that is an entire other conversation that we’ll come back to in another podcast.

So thank you for listening. The practice this week is to simply notice. Notice interruptions. Are you interrupting? Is someone interrupting you? Is someone interrupting someone else? And just bring awareness to this dynamic without needing to do anything at first. Just noticing. And see from there what you are moved to do.