Brett Hill (00:25.026)
Let’s talk about that feeling where you get trapped, where you feel like you’re just trapped in a conversation with someone who just is talking and talking. They’re taking up all the space. You’re doing your part. You’re nodding. You’re making eye contact. You’re going, you’re making all the signs that it’s time for you to step in. You’d like to have a moment to put in your.
Contribution to the alleged conversation. But it isn’t a conversation. It’s a monologue. And you are basically being crowded out. You’re ignored. You’re shut down in a way. And it can feel really crappy. So the first thing you do is you just notice the simplicity of that exact thing. From the mindful point of view,
first thing you do is you pay attention to your own feelings in this moment. What wants to happen? What wants to emerge automatically? And if you’re like me and a lot of other people, it’s like, hello, can I get a word in here? Hello, I’m here. I’ve been in conversations, important ones sometimes, where I felt like.
They just weren’t, I wasn’t even in the room, felt like sometimes, and particularly this can be true with salespeople, if you’ve ever been on a call with someone who’s going through the motions of reading a script, it feels like, or narrating something and they’re not really paying attention to anything you’re saying, they’re just going through the motions. Or you just get someone who’s so exuberant, they just keep talking and they keep talking and that reminds me of, and then of course there was, and they just.
don’t know when to catch a breath and let you have a reflective comment or participate in some way. And then there’s the kind of person who is just simply dominating for the sake of it. There’s a power play here. In any event, it kind of feels the same just noticing what goes on inside you. Well, it doesn’t feel exactly the same. You’re getting crowded out, but
Brett Hill (02:40.834)
How you respond can really make a difference. So notice that feeling of being disrespected or ignored. And notice what story you make up. If you’re like a lot of people, including myself, sometimes I’ll make up a story. Well, they’re doing this because they must feel this way. Why would they treat me like this? So disrespectful. Maybe, and watch that story and see how it colors your orientation.
what you organize around saying or doing next. Because one of the key things about that story is, it true? If it’s a story you tell yourself a lot, like, I’m always the one who never gets to speak up, then you might want to put a question mark around that and go, is it true? So notice the story and then ask yourself, is it really true? And what is true is that they are over talking and you’re having your response. But you may not know why.
Brett Hill (03:43.759)
It could be that this is just the way that they talk. This is the way they are all the time. So you have to kind of assess that. Or it’s just like I mentioned before, an enthusiastic person who just isn’t reading the nonverbal cues, they’re not really looking for them. It’s just not in their… Because they’re not really looking for them, or if they are, they’re just disrespecting them.
So the why is different, but the feeling can be very similar. You are getting crowded out.
Brett Hill (04:20.462)
And the question is, do you want to communicate from that place of frustration? And that’s what I’m inviting you here, is to bring in the power of choosing, the opportunity to make a choice. That’s the power of mindful communications, to notice what’s happening in you, assess and respond accordingly. That noticing what happens in you, by the way, is term for that.
called dual awareness. This is something that they teach that I learned from Ron Kirch with when I started at Hacomi, which is a form of somatic psychotherapy, paying attention to what’s going on in me. At the same time, I’m paying attention to what another person is saying and my responses to that, what comes up for me as I engage in a conversation with either a client, a colleague, a friend, whoever it is, tracking both those
experiences because they’re both a part of what do you do now. Now, when you’re irritated, you could come back with something like, hey, you’re not letting me get a word in here. What’s going on? Let me I got something to say or you could come back with, hey, I can’t get a word in edgewise. And that would be true and maybe even justified. What do you think is going to happen if someone says that very likely?
you’re going to trigger a defensive response. Set them back a bit. That might not be the wrong thing to do, but again, it’s not about right or wrong here. It’s about choosing an appropriate response. Now, another way to go is if you step back, notice that you want to kind of jump out and bark a little bit. Instead, you could say, hey, hold up. Do you mind if we have a conversation or a dialogue about this? I have something I’d like to say.
then how you go about doing that makes all the difference.
Brett Hill (06:25.528)
So notice how one, I can’t get a word in edgewise versus, hey, can we talk about this? I have something to say. Is an invitation, whereas one is a declaration, small, subtle distinction, but it can make all the difference. And in terms of making all the differences, this is a good place.
to let you know about a project I’ve been working on that is really all about helping you understand your own communication style. Do you know, like, what is your greatest strength? What are your own natural assets in terms of communications? And what are your blind spots? What’s in your way of growing? I read recently from an executive coach, it doesn’t matter how good you are. matters what you’re, it doesn’t matter what you know.
I read recently a comment by an executive coach that said, your capacity is important. What you can do is important. But even more important is your ability to communicate about it. And that is just so true. But how much time have you spent really studying that? Well, made it really easy with this communication assessment that I built using an AI that I trained with some of my own
techniques and approaches to communication. And you can just fill out this quick form, only takes about a minute to fill it out, and get a personalized report that tells you what your strengths are, what your kryptonite is, and provides some suggestions for moving forward. Really fun, and it’s really fun. It’s unique, and you won’t find anything like it anywhere. check it out. To find out how to access it, just text the word report to
Brett Hill (08:22.433)
1-425-584-5883. That’s the word report to 425-5883. Totally free, no strings attached. And if you’re outside of Canada or the US,
Well, that phone number works for people in the US and Canada. you’re in some other, those of you in, and if you’re in another location, can, you can, if you’re in another location, you can just browse to themindfulcoach.com or Google the mindful coach and you’ll find the website, the forms right there on the front page. Just take some moment. And I’m really excited to share it with you. Let me know what you think, because I’d love to hear about it.
Brett Hill (09:13.902)
We’re talking about interruptions and people who are over talking. How they happen and what to do about them. And I promise to share some actionable practices like I always do, at least I try to always do. When the person is over talking and they’re either not giving you the cues, they’re not picking up with them, or they’re ignoring you. What do you do? I’ve got some practices here you can try.
These have been proven in the field, and I think that one of these is bound to work for you. One of my favorites is an aside. And what I mean by that is like someone’s talking and talking, and they’re saying something like, you know that restaurant. They’ve got the best food I’ve ever had. And you can just go, hmm, really? You just kind of say it to yourself in a way, not like you’re expecting to take the stage. You can just say, yeah.
make a little aside a comment that might be a little contradictory to what they’re saying. And usually that will stop someone and have them inquire, yeah, what did you find out? Now they’re handing the mic to you and you get a chance to talk about what you want to say. That’s a really cool technique and you can use it with people who are doing a power play as well. There’s the over talker who’s enthusiastic.
But someone who’s in power play, they say, well, and the most important thing was that we did this project. Let me tell you, because of the way I scoped this, worked out really. You could say, hmm, is that right? Or you could just say to yourself, huh, that’s interesting. guaranteed, they’re going to stop and go, you have something, comment about that? Well, I was curious about why you didn’t fill in me and my team on it, or whatever it is you’ve got to say, whether it’s confrontational.
or engaging one way the other, at least you have the opportunity to speak.
Brett Hill (11:10.19)
Now, a second technique that’s a little bit more direct is simply interjecting. Now, this takes some courage. Now, this takes some courage sometimes because you’ve got to forcefully interject mid-sentence into someone who’s over-talking. You could just simply say, hey, I’d really like to get in here if you don’t mind. I have some thoughts on this. I have some thoughts on this.
Brett Hill (11:41.558)
Or, you know, I really, have…
Brett Hill (11:47.011)
You can just jump in and go, hey, I’ve got, you can say, hey, you know, I’d like to get in here if you don’t mind. Or, have some thoughts on that and see how that works. In most cases, that is enough to get them to stop for a minute and either queue you up, like saying, OK, just a minute, in which case you’re on in a minute or two. Or,
they’ll have to say, no, I don’t really want to hear from you. In which case, at least you know where you’re at and you can make a conscious decision about whether you even need to be in the room.
Now another way to make that even more powerful is to raise your hand. You can just use your hand up and say, use a stop sign, like a policeman saying stop traffic. Hey, I’d like to get in here if you don’t mind. Now that’s a pretty aggressive move and it’s a very powerful intervention, so try it sometime. Now another one that’s a little comic in a way, because it.
Because what it does is it automatically highlights the fact that the person is over talking and acting like they’re pontificating is you simply raise your hand like you’re in a classroom. Like we were all in elementary school or something. You go, hey, I’ve got something to say. As if you needed permission because they’re not giving you the… Because they’re not…
because they’re not respecting your space, so to speak, or the nonverbal cues that most people give whenever they say, here’s a moment to interject. You can just raise your hand like you would as if they were an instructor or a speaker and say, you know, I’ve got something to say. I have a question here. It’s really, really hard for them to not simply acknowledge the fact that you did something like that. It’s actually a pretty funny thing to do because it
Brett Hill (13:40.046)
points out to everyone watching that you’re the audience and they’re the speaker versus this being a conversation. And it can be a little bit awkward, but hey, so is being shut out of a conversation, particularly whenever it’s a power play, that’s a really good thing to do.
Brett Hill (14:05.4)
There’s another way you can manage the intervention whenever someone does give you the floor. And when someone does give you the floor, another interesting move you can do is instead of taking the microphone, hand it to somebody else. Say, hey, Martin, I’d really like to hear your thoughts about that. Or, Janet, you were talking to me about something related that seems relevant here. And pass the mic, so to speak, to different people so that they can then get their voices in the room.
And what you’re really saying then, instead of one person talking all the time, they acknowledge you, you get an opportunity to speak, and you bring in another person. All of a sudden, we have three people in the conversation as opposed to a monologue. That’s really good leadership skill. Some people might call it soft good, soft leadership. But I think that’s hard intervention, meaning it really changes the tone and the nature of the conversation.
So check that out because that’s a really good finesse that you can do to get more voices in the room whenever you have someone over talking.
Brett Hill (15:17.708)
So there you are, you’re in a conversation, you’re feeling crowded out and you notice what you’re feeling. You notice whether you wanna just stand up for yourself or back out. Either way is fine or if you’re neutral about it, it doesn’t matter. The point is to notice what’s true and then make a choice about how to respond. Is this person habitually this way? Is it, they’re just unconscious about it? Is it a power play?
And you can invite a dialogue directly, indirectly, via an aside or an interjection, or using your own nonverbal assertions to get your voice into the conversation. Because you deserve to be heard, or you might as well be because your voice deserves to be heard as well. That’s what the communication is all about. And so check this out. These are ways to invite.
Brett Hill (16:19.64)
So the goal here isn’t just to stop them from talking. It’s to skillfully and mindfully turn a monologue into a dialogue, into a conversation. Because after all, isn’t that what we need a lot more of these days? So if you enjoyed this, please follow the show and like it and leave a comment. We’d love to hear from you if you enjoyed it. Get back to us and you can always find all my contact information in the show notes.
This is Brett Hill, the mindful coach. Until next time, stay present.