Hi ,
In last week’s letter, we explored a powerful truth: You don’t have to take the bait. You can choose when—and how—to respond.
Today, I want to go a step further and give you specific, practical language you can use to declare and uphold your boundaries in tough conversations.
Because sometimes, presence means standing your ground with clarity—not aggression—and protecting your peace.
1. Focus on Impact, Not Blame
One of the most powerful things I learned from Amina Knowlan in Matrix Leadership Training is how to name the impact of someone’s words without assigning blame.
Try this:
“When I hear you say that, the response in me is to [pull away / get defensive / shut down]. What I’d prefer is that [we focus on the process] [this be a respectful conversation] [this not be so heated so we can discuss the issues] Can we agree to do that?”
That last question is key: Can we agree?
It invites collaboration, not confrontation. And sets the standard for what you require.
This approach avoids blaming the other person for how you feel (“you made me mad!”), while still making clear what’s happening inside you and what you’re asking for. It’s a way to hold your ground while inviting more respectful dialogue.
2. Interrupt the Interrupter (Respectfully)
If someone frequently interrupts you—or others—you can break the pattern without escalating.
Here’s a technique I often use:
🖐️ Raise your hand, palm forward, as if to say “stop.” 👁️ Make eye contact. 🗣️ Say their name: “Jordan.” Then add: “You’re next.”
This creates a respectful pause, shows you’re not shutting them down—just asserting space for what’s already in motion.
Don’t ask for permission. (“Let me finish”).
Another form of declaring boundaries to model what you want to see in group communications.
Demonstratring what healthy norms.
I like the phrase “what you allow, your endorse.”
So if someone is being routinely out of line in groups or in conversation, and it is not called out, you’re effectively saying, “I’m fine with you being that way.” And my personal opion is that the people who value healthy communications need to be a lot more assertive about what that means.
If you’re in a group and see someone being repeatedly interrupted (especially someone who’s quieter or less empowered), you can step in:
“[rasing you hand as if to say “stop” ] On moment – I’d really like to hear what Cheryl was saying. ” or “I don’t think Cherly was finsihed and I’m interested in her thoughts”
This is how we set the tone for inclusive, respectful conversations—without needing positional authority.
Plus you call out in a reasonably gentle way, that the she’s being interrupted and a) you’re paying attention to that and b) it’s not ok.
3. Lower Your Voice When Others Raise Theirs
This wisdom comes straight from Jefferson Fisher: “When they raise their voice, you lower yours.”
You can also say this other Fisher suggestion:
“I don’t respond to volume.”
It’s calm. Firm. And incredibly effective.
If someone is shouting or being aggressive:
“I’m happy to have this conversation, but only if we can keep it respectful. Can we agree to that?”
If they won’t agree, you can calmly say:
“Okay. We can come back to this when things calm down. ” And walk away.
And another very powerful “reply” is simply silence.
Let their ugly words just hang out there.
It becomes verry clear whose out of control in moments like that, and it’s not you.
You are not obligated to continue a conversation that is unkind, controlling, or unsafe.
You Set the Terms
You get to choose who speaks to you—and how. You get to decide what respectful communication looks like.
I sometimes think of it like someone handing you an ugly gift. You dont’ have to accep it.
if you don’t set and enforece boundaries, someone else will.
This week’s practice:
- Try one of these phrases in a conversation that needs boundaries.
- Notice how it feels to calmly assert your space.
- Reflect on where you tend to stay silent—and what you might want to say instead.
Next time, I’ll share a letter about expanding your range: how to speak up more—or step back more—depending on your habitual tendencies.
Stay present,
Brett
PS.
If you’re not used to being more assertive in conversations, this kind of work can feel awkward at first. Try this:
Say something you believe in—something that matters to you—and say it with strength. Give it the emotional weight it deserves.
For example:
“I know I can be helpful to people.”
“It matters to me that the work I do has deeper meaning.”
“I really care about the earth.”
“Love is the answer” (thank you Todd Rundgren)
Say it out loud, with clarity and conviction. This is your truth. It is indsibutable.
If it feels strange, that’s okay. Your nervous system may not be used to it—but it will feel good.
Try saying it in front of a mirror. Or better yet, record yourself on your phone and play it back.
Don’t judge how you sound or look. Just ask yourself:
“Do I believe this person?”
Keep practicing until the answer is yes.