Hi ,
In my last letter, I discussed the importance of dealing yourself in—speaking up early in group settings, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.
It’s a way to avoid being misunderstood and to let others know you’re in the conversation.
Today I want to share a moment that made that lesson personal—and lasting.
Years ago, I was in a multi-day training, doing yet another deep dive into group dynamics and interpersonal awareness (yes, I’ve done a lot of these). And once again, I found myself holding back in the early stages.
I told myself I was “just observing” or “waiting for the right moment.” But the truth was—I wasn’t showing up fully.
Then something unexpected happened.
During a break, the co-facilitator of the group, a highly respected psychiatrist in Boulder, came over and sat beside me quietly.
He didn’t say much. Just one sentence.
He looked at me and said, softly, almost a whisper:
“You know, Brett, the more I hear from you, the more I like you.”
Whoa.
I wasn’t expecting that.
There was no fluff. No attempt to flatter.
Just a simple truth about his experience, offered with kindness—and it landed with real impact.
I realized that he was not just saying something to me person-to-person, heart-to-heart,
But this was a teaching moment.
In that moment, I realized something very clearly:
If I want people to understand who I am,
If I want to be seen, and liked, and welcomed into meaningful conversations,
Then I have to let them know who I am.
That one comment helped rewire something in me.
I think of it as my inner “Speak Now” meter.
Let me explain.
I have a sort of inner gauge about whether or not I should speak up in a given setting.
A “1” is “no friggin’ way—stay quiet at all costs.”
A “10” is “be loud and do it quickly.”
After many hours of work in these groups, I realized that if my “speak now” meter was about 6 out of 10, I’d finally say something.
But what I discovered is that by then—it was often too late.
The impressions had already been made. The stories about me had already formed.
I was playing catch-up.
What that therapist taught me is that my meter was not calibrated properly.
So I learned that when I had a slight urge to speak, I should.
I learned to speak up when the inner dial was at a 2 or 3.
Not when it felt urgent.
Not when it felt perfect.
When I felt a mild urge to jump in, I made myself do it as if it were important.
That felt really, really weird.
But you know what?
It worked amazingly well.
That small recalibration changed everything for me.
I became more approachable.
People invited me into more conversations.
Opportunities opened up—because people had a sense of what I brought.
And so that’s my message for you today:
How is your participation gauge calibrated?
Do you tend to over-engage before listening?
Or do you hold back a little too long, waiting until it feels “right”?
Everyone’s meter is different. There’s no single setting that works for all.
But I encourage you to explore this:
Calibrate your “speak now” meter.
If you tend to over-engage, dial it back a bit and see what happens.
If you tend to under-engage, speak up more frequently.
(And let me remind you, this will feel really strange at first. That’s what learning feels like!)
What happens when you change your “standard” behavior?
This practice of changing your standard behavior is called “expanding your range.”
More on that next time.
Stay present,
Brett